In honour of the 2^nd half kick-off of The Walking Dead: Season 3, here is a guide on what not to wear for the inevitable arrival of the zombie apocalypse. The mindless undead with their hunger for human flesh will rise and mobilize into a global infestation. Don’t be caught with a closet full of loose fitting, colourful, ripped clothes. You might as well hand your brain over on a platter.

Tip#1: No Bright Colours

If you live in an urban area, envision Bay St. and Wall St., rather than Park Ave, Rodeo Drive or Sesame St., dress to fade into the environment. A concrete choice would be grey. If you live in a rural area, let images of Robin Hood and Rambo guide you. If you live in the suburbs, your terrain is too varied to blend in, so run for the hills. Forgo the cargo pants and opt instead for a small back-pack that you can dump if speed is essential or use as a wrecking ball if surrounded.

Tip#2: No Exposed Skin

Leave the ripped jeans, short shorts, and racer back tanks behind. A zombie can’t resist the sight of living flesh. Plus, you can’t risk an infection from the seeping goo of a decomposing corpse sneaking up on you. Cover up to reduce your attractiveness. The bandanna will make a huge come-back during the apocalypse. First, it covers your fresh beautiful face and second, even more important, gives your gag reflex a break by reducing the nasal intake of rotting flesh wafting through the air.

Tip#3: No Loose or Loud Clothes

You’re going to be on the move. Granted zombies can’t run, but when they’re coming at you from multiple directions, you better find that opening and run like the wind. Close encounters (your hiding spot’s been found) won’t turn out favourably if the zombie has extra fabric to get a strong hold. And running down the street in k-way pants will force your neighbours to vote you off the island (or zombie bate), as they all run the opposite way and you find yourself alone, in complete silence except for your pants and the flesh eaters’ moans.

Luck to you all in surviving the imminent apocalypse. If you still need help with your zombie preparedness, I’m prioritizing this above all other image consults (for obvious reasons), so reach out while I’m still on the grid.

Written by Janelle Long of Janelle Long Image Management.